Tj frontman announces today,
“album sexy: Make hard. Real close. About to cum . Any day now any day. Pool days in summer vacation”
For immediate press release
Once a guaranteed a spot in the pages of the Red Rocks Community College’s prestigious student art journal, the offer was no longer on the table after TJ Toddler’s singer and master lyricist Rockford “Pig Pile” Wagner tried to bring his well-known ideals through the back door of his author bio… But ultimately his art piece was rejected. Find out why below.
———- Forwarded message ———-
March 23, 2014
It is our immense pleasure to inform you that your piece, Phil the Pipe with the Briar Rose, has been selected for our 2014 edition of Obscura.
Over the next couple of weeks, we will be going into the editing process and will be contacting you about any editing or formatting changes we need to make prior to final publication, so please keep an eye on your email.
We would also like to invite you to take part in our annual Obscura Open Mic, when you, as a contributor, will have the opportunity to present your piece. You will also have the opportunity to pick up your copy of the magazine. The Open Mic will take place on May 8th from 11:30 AM to 12:45 PM.
We also invite you to send us a short biography on yourself, possibly mentioning something about your piece. We would like to keep biographies under 150 words and preferably written in third person.
We look forward to working with you in the coming weeks and hope to hear back from you soon.
The Obscura Staff – Poetry Editors
It seemed as though R&R was on his way to becoming a published writer in a literary journal, until he replied with this succinct writer’s biography in tow:
Rockford Wagner has a small penis. Rockford Wagner has an undescended testicle that is sowed a nook above its superior. Rockford Wagner feels that comedy is the most powerful tool of writing. And sexual humiliation is the highest form of comedy.
Rockford Wagner captures a pint sized pinch of suppleness in his children stories. Rockford Wagner molest the reader with an uncanny insight into the beautiful and striffling world of the small.
Rockford Wagner is over compensating.
R&R’s supple claims led to Obscura refusing to publish the young man’s work
———- Forwarded message ———-
From: Gallagher, Paul <Paul.Gallagher@rrcc.edu>
Date: Tue, Apr 8, 2014 at 2:20 PM
Subject: RE: Your Obscura Submission
To: “rockwagner (email@example.com)” <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Cc: “Braziller, Amy” <Amy.Braziller@rrcc.edu>
While we appreciate your interest in being published in Obscura, your recent response to the editorial team was unprofessional and left much to be desired. We wish to inform you that your piece “Phil the Pipe with the Briar Rose” has been pulled.
Amy and Paul
Obscura Senior Editors
Furious with the action that was taken against his client, TJ Toddler member and manager Leather Face J-R took to his email to write this scathing diatribe in response:
Dear Paul and Amy,
Why are you calling my client unprofessional? If you are going to lob such accusations forth, please clarify your position. Are you familiar with method acting? Rockford Wagner takes the art form of writing in english very seriously and is completely immersed in the “Pig Pile” character which he has taken up the role of.You enjoyed the piece thoroughly enough to include it, sexually depraved drug addictions and all, so surely you recognize the craft behind Rockford’s art. If you cannot tolerate some in-the-name-of-the-work satire, then perhaps it is possible that the writing department is not a good fit for you.Surely you enjoyed my client’s piece “Phil the Pipe With the Briar Rose”, as you chose to highlight it in your lit rag. Is he anymore of a pervert for writing it than you are for enjoying the works of a registered, convicted sex offender?You cannot offer to publish my client’s work and then nullify the arrangement simply because did not enjoy his writer’s bio. That, if anything, is textbook unprofessionalism.We hope that you will choose to reverse this grievous error of a decision and follow through on your commitment to publish “Phil the Pipe With the Briar Rose”, as it is the most obviously beneficial result for both parties.If a mutually acceptable agreement cannot be found, my client has been advised to seek legal counsel. He is deeply hurt by what he sees as discrimination against him for his wish to inform you of his status as a sexual offender in the State of Colorado.Furthermore, my client is obviously a developmentally challenged individual and was not gifted the same communication skills you and I were. I do not see why this needs to be explicitly stated, if you did in fact read the piece. It is our hope that with this in mind, you can approach the piece with a better understanding.At this point, Pig Pile is still willing to forgive and forget, on the condition of his publication, or upon notice of your joint resignation from the writing department at Red Rocks Community College.Thank you for your reconsideration,FMITA Artist Management[telephone number rescinded]
To this end, no explanation was given and the matter remains unresolved. Other than here on YouPeopleMakeMeSick, the only place to read the unpublished document is a leather-bound copy in RRCC’s rare book room. Sometimes we must ask ourselves, “would you trust TJ Toddler more with a pen or a gun?”
Sexually suicidal, or suicidal sexually?
I am not the Devil. I cast out the Devil.
R&R’s talents are not merely confined to his music.
Whilst taking residence in city of Cañon, Young Boy Eyes developed a set of self-portraits that he says “redefine beauty”. Not to be confused with his forays into soft core pornography, this is a more artistic endeavor. Mature. Distinct. Refined.
For your viewing pleasure, the fruits of this labour are available as slideshow, titled I Am a Shit Eater, soundtracked by the rich, mahogany tones of TJ Toddler contemporary Kelly Allyn’s music.
So sit back, relax, and rub one out as you enjoy as you would the body of our Christ. Let us know in the comments which photo you feel best captures the inimitable spirit of TJ Toddler sex pot Rockford Wagner.
In the wake of a urine-related incident, Embryonico was unfortunately caught in the crossfire of a real life pissing contest. In them midst of scatalogical wafare, Embryonico went AWOL and has been a missing person for some time, hiding in Colorado or perhaps Switzerland. It would be mutually beneficial to Tj Toddler and the Judas if we could regroup for discussions and negotiations regarding media belonging to Family Records . If you have any information regarding Embryonico’s known whereabouts, current location, or any other aliases he may be using, please use the number provided to phone-in to our tip-line: +1 (303) 507-4386
With this in mind: As it stands, all signs point to Embryonico’s final work with Tj Toddler being his numerous contributions to the upcoming studio album and third overall LP, The Young Men Smile. The release of that record later this year will thus mark the end of TJ-1, the final live performance of whom was preserved on The Sound of Zürich live document. Ultimately, this small alteration will impact the group very little, as they transition seamlessly into the next phase of their career.
In order to continue performing at live events however, Embryonico will need to be supplanted. We will hold public auditions for a once-in-a-lifetime chance to join your favorite band, TJ TODDLER. You will need to learn prepared guitar, reside within a 500km radius of Cañon City, CO, become an industrial minimalist steelworker, harbor a natural sexual affinity for children, and be of Swiss blood. If you match or can accommodate all of the outlined prerequisites, please contact us at email@example.com to set up an audition time.
And immediately, while he was still speaking, Judas came, one of the twelve, and with him a crowd with swords and clubs, from the chief priests and the scribes and the elders. Now the betrayer had given them a sign, saying, “The one I will kiss is the man. Seize him and lead him away under guard.” And when he came, he went up to him at once and said, “Rabbi!” And he kissed him.
- Mark 14:43-45
FMITA! Records (no connection to our Family Records) have announced their plan to release TJ TODDLER FRONTMAN Rockford ‘Pig Pile’ Wagner’s upcoming debut release as a solo performing artist, as part of his “Rockford Raymond Presents: Rest & Relaxation” series.
“FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:
In the cold, final days of the year, following the spectacle and celebration of our Lord Jesus Christ Almighty, instead of loafing about, renowned singer Rockford Raymond Wagner was compelled to record an inspired set of Hymns in one evening in the twilight hours of 2013. The intimate session was captured spontaneously by producer and comrade, Lather Face J-R., in a similar manner to the pair’s collaborative release, In Trinitatis Sessionem, as TJ TODDLER.
This artsy song cycle defies convention by including a hearty helping of traditional Christmas Carols, as well as music originating in the pop music context. Truly, you have never heard “The Little Drummer Boy”, or “Last Christmas”, quite like this before.
On Naughtiest Boy of the Season, Rockford’s rich and soulful tenor brings new life to these classic celebrations of our Lord and Savior. The wide reach and appeal of these songs makes them perfect for a summer release to generate hype and garner recognition for the TJ TODDLER Pig Pile’s budding career in lounge muzak.
FMITA! Records has had a great relationship with Rockford Raymonde ‘Rest and Relaxation’ ‘Pig Pile’ Wagner for a number of years, the boy having appeared uncredited on a Brontosaurus Rex solo EP in 2011, and we are proud to further cement our brand with his talent.
Exact release date, track listing, and artwork are forthcoming on the TJ TODDLER website. It’s going to be a white Christmas this summer.”
NAUGHTIEST BOY OF THE SEASON: REST & RELAXATION SINGS CHRISTMAS CAROLS will be released digitally and on FMITA! cassette, coming in July.
Amidst scrupulous rumors and accusations against our community, the TJ TODDLER team feels it is necessary to clarify our position on sexuality and age of consent amongst our membership. We are, always have been since birth, and always will be until ascension, unabashedly aroused by the sight, smells and sounds of children, the younger and more severely psychologically damaged, the better. Old enough to breathe, old enough to heave is our rule of thumb. If the rest of the world were more open, we could live in harmony and but alas this type of behavior is only acceptable in our home province of Switzerland. You could say it was how we were brought up, and for that we bear no shame. We hope that by taking this stance, we will encourage our paedophilic musicians to come out, speak up, and join the fight to free our brother Ian Watkins, so that he will be granted appeal or pardon. His political imprisonment is a gross misstep of social justice and a permanent stain on the Welsh legal system. The man is a hero, a God, and we intend our words and actions to honor him as such. He is the Lost Prophet of child lovers everywhere.
This spring, TJ TODDLER will release their début full-length studio recordings. Information is scarce at the time of this posting, however, the track sequence and LP jacket artwork are available to preview below. Thank you for your continued interest in TJ TODDLER v1 and their long-awaited new album, The Young Men Smile. Indeed they do.