Once a guaranteed a spot in the pages of the Red Rocks Community College’s prestigious student art journal, the offer was no longer on the table after TJ Toddler’s singer and master lyricist Rockford “Pig Pile” Wagner tried to bring his well-known ideals through the back door of his author bio… But ultimately his art piece was rejected. Find out why below.
———- Forwarded message ———-
From: Obscura Staff <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Date: Sun, Mar 23, 2014 at 5:55 PM
Subject: Obscura Literary Magazine
To: J J <email@example.com>
March 23, 2014
It is our immense pleasure to inform you that your piece, Phil the Pipe with the Briar Rose, has been selected for our 2014 edition of Obscura.
Over the next couple of weeks, we will be going into the editing process and will be contacting you about any editing or formatting changes we need to make prior to final publication, so please keep an eye on your email.
We would also like to invite you to take part in our annual Obscura Open Mic, when you, as a contributor, will have the opportunity to present your piece. You will also have the opportunity to pick up your copy of the magazine. The Open Mic will take place on May 8th from 11:30 AM to 12:45 PM.
We also invite you to send us a short biography on yourself, possibly mentioning something about your piece. We would like to keep biographies under 150 words and preferably written in third person.
We look forward to working with you in the coming weeks and hope to hear back from you soon.
The Obscura Staff – Poetry Editors
It seemed as though R&R was on his way to becoming a published writer in a literary journal, until he replied with this succinct writer’s biography in tow:
Rockford Wagner has a small penis. Rockford Wagner has an undescended testicle that is sowed a nook above its superior. Rockford Wagner feels that comedy is the most powerful tool of writing. And sexual humiliation is the highest form of comedy.
Rockford Wagner captures a pint sized pinch of suppleness in his children stories. Rockford Wagner molest the reader with an uncanny insight into the beautiful and striffling world of the small.
Rockford Wagner is over compensating.
R&R’s supple claims led to Obscura refusing to publish the young man’s work
———- Forwarded message ———-
From: Gallagher, Paul <Paul.Gallagher@rrcc.edu>
Date: Tue, Apr 8, 2014 at 2:20 PM
Subject: RE: Your Obscura Submission
To: “rockwagner (firstname.lastname@example.org)” <email@example.com>
Cc: “Braziller, Amy” <Amy.Braziller@rrcc.edu>
While we appreciate your interest in being published in Obscura, your recent response to the editorial team was unprofessional and left much to be desired. We wish to inform you that your piece “Phil the Pipe with the Briar Rose” has been pulled.
Amy and Paul
Obscura Senior Editors
Furious with the action that was taken against his client, TJ Toddler member and manager Leather Face J-R took to his email to write this scathing diatribe in response:
Dear Paul and Amy,
Why are you calling my client unprofessional? If you are going to lob such accusations forth, please clarify your position. Are you familiar with method acting? Rockford Wagner takes the art form of writing in english very seriously and is completely immersed in the “Pig Pile” character which he has taken up the role of.
You enjoyed the piece thoroughly enough to include it, sexually depraved drug addictions and all, so surely you recognize the craft behind Rockford’s art. If you cannot tolerate some in-the-name-of-the-work satire, then perhaps it is possible that the writing department is not a good fit for you.
Surely you enjoyed my client’s piece “Phil the Pipe With the Briar Rose”, as you chose to highlight it in your lit rag. Is he anymore of a pervert for writing it than you are for enjoying the works of a registered, convicted sex offender?
You cannot offer to publish my client’s work and then nullify the arrangement simply because did not enjoy his writer’s bio. That, if anything, is textbook unprofessionalism.
We hope that you will choose to reverse this grievous error of a decision and follow through on your commitment to publish “Phil the Pipe With the Briar Rose”, as it is the most obviously beneficial result for both parties.
If a mutually acceptable agreement cannot be found, my client has been advised to seek legal counsel. He is deeply hurt by what he sees as discrimination against him for his wish to inform you of his status as a sexual offender in the State of Colorado.
Furthermore, my client is obviously a developmentally challenged individual and was not gifted the same communication skills you and I were. I do not see why this needs to be explicitly stated, if you did in fact read the piece. It is our hope that with this in mind, you can approach the piece with a better understanding.
At this point, Pig Pile is still willing to forgive and forget, on the condition of his publication, or upon notice of your joint resignation from the writing department at Red Rocks Community College.
Thank you for your reconsideration,
FMITA Artist Management
[telephone number rescinded]
To this end, no explanation was given and the matter remains unresolved. Other than here on YouPeopleMakeMeSick, the only place to read the unpublished document is a leather-bound copy in RRCC’s rare book room. Sometimes we must ask ourselves, “would you trust TJ Toddler more with a pen or a gun?”
Sexually suicidal, or suicidal sexually?
I am not the Devil. I cast out the Devil.